Different And Alone

Hold on to your loneliness. Please hold on to that feeling. I know you feel different and alone. I know you see that everything around you is false and you can’t connect to anyone right now. I know you feel detached from it all. I’m not telling you to hold on with hope that the day will come when you will meet someone who understands you. That person may not happen to you at all. And I’m not the one who will break your heart by giving you false hopes. However, I can assure you one thing – there’s a place. A place you can look forward to. A place where you can feel safe and warm. A place that cuddles your solitude. A place where you belong.

You want to know what’s so good about this place? You’re the one making it. Whenever you look around and see people with their families, I want you to consider that “That may not be for me.” This is not to deprive you of the joy of having a family. I just want you to stop thinking about it. Every time you look at those people, I want you to stop thinking “That’s the standard of happiness. That’s what we all should do or have.” I want you to keep dreaming about the future but dream about it as a whole. I want you to stress about the future of the universe as a whole. I want you to not waste that beautiful mind of yours conforming to what your corrupted mind tells you. I want you to realize that this is not you talking to you but the collective opinion of everyone else that came before you.

Before you go to sleep, I want you to look forward to the next day. In the morning, you will have scrambled eggs for breakfast, maybe some bacon, coffee, or anything you like. You will shower and bathe with the scent of the soap you chose. You will listen to a podcast or a song you really like on your way to the office. You will take breaks with tea, biscuits, or anything you prefer. And if you don’t like your job, you will find a new one. You will go home, eat a great dinner, and read. You will spend time working on your personal projects or other interests. You will lie in bed, maybe bring out some scented candles, stare at the ceiling, and think. You will fall asleep and do it over.

What is it that we find so bad about repetition? Our own dislike of it is what’s making us miserable. We crave for something big and new all the time that we fail to notice the small details that change in every second. Have you ever stared at your tea and admire its color? Have you ever looked at other people’s writing and yours, and smiled? Have you ever loved your blanket so much as if it was another person? The way I see, you’re already happy and society keeps telling you that you’re not. No, you don’t want a celebrity status, someone else wants that. No, you don’t want a child and that’s totally fine. No, you don’t want a big house with twenty rooms, you just want your bed and your blanket.

There’s nothing wrong with you and I want you to know that. You are already happy as you are and who’s to say that your goal should be “to be happy” in the first place? That may just be the idea of many but you could be different. And in that difference, most often, you will be alone. That’s okay, too. I don’t want you to wait for the time that the world would recognize, appreciate, and accept you. I want you to think for yourself and re-assess your own thoughts if they are your own.

Now that I’ve told you that things I want you to do, I want you to ignore them and listen to your own mind’s advice.

Different And Alone


The following words would not make sense and it shouldn’t because it’s a dream. But if you turn off your “normal” thinking mode, maybe it would. I want you to abandon your definition of “singularity” before you read my story because my own definition of it has been overridden by a dream. My brain, so thirsty for facts and evidence, unleashed its poetic side and provided me with concepts from my subconscious. I woke up with a new perspective and hope.

I had a dream of singularity hitting us. Yes, hitting us. I had a dream that I was waiting for it. It looked like a horizontal aurora. I was with a few people and quickly hid behind a post when I saw the colors approach. In my head, it’s supposed to crush the infrastructures including me and everyone else around me. In my head, the Earth would be destroyed. I closed my eyes as it inevitably hit everyone and everything. Surprised that I’m still alive after it left, I opened my eyes. Everyone else opened their eyes and wondered as if they just woke up from a dream. Something has changed, I felt it. Everyone was intelligent. Everyone was wise. It’s as if singularity or how my dream interpreted it to be was really a storm of wisdom and knowledge. It’s as if it wiped out all our biases, stupidity, and corruption. It cleansed the world and left us a better civilization – much more fit for the future.

After waking up, I thought about it for a while. I remember telling someone that if there was a button that could destroy the world and I’m standing right in front of it, I would never hesitate to push it. I would never think twice. I would never look back and daydream about the memories I had with people I loved. I would never think about the people in it. It’s not because I’m evil or I don’t care. It’s because it doesn’t matter. I remember that someone telling me that I’m cruel. Maybe I am but I’m not doing it because I hate people or I hate this planet or I have no hope left for humanity. It’s simply because it doesn’t matter.

If all humans were wiped off the planet, it wouldn’t matter. I imagine a vast universe – dark and almost empty. This tiny little thing wouldn’t count at all. What excites me is our possible ability to outlive this planet or this universe. I’m a software engineer crawling my way into data science, big data, and all the information and analysis that comes with it. Maybe I’m not necessarily a scientist but I see existence as an exciting puzzle that the majority wouldn’t live long enough to solve. I look forward to the day that everything we know wouldn’t be wiped out clean by extinction. I look forward to the day that if my human body dies, my thoughts can be preserved and that I can see the far off future.

This dream gave me a different interpretation of my supposedly cruel thoughts.



This is the sea, so clear that you can see it reflecting the tall buildings and the clouds up in the sky. Its blue is so gentle and peaceful. If mermaids existed and died, this would be their heaven.

Imagine fishes jumping from the waters to the skies. Imagine the birds crashing through and diving in the waters. The birds don’t die, they fly. They fly, not in the sky, but under the water. In the sunset, you’ll see sea creatures of all colors swimming in the sunset. Their colors marries the orange and puple sky. And as they swim across the sun, it’s as if they are getting eaten by this big red orange crystal.

This is not the sea but still it’s clear, gentle, and peaceful. This is a picture of the skyline. The same old view that I always take a picture of except this time, it’s flipped vertically. I lied to you, this is the sky. If I drew fish shadows in the sky, you’ll be more convinced that it’s the sea but I didn’t have to because if you believed me the first time I told you that this is the sea with a reflection of the clouds and the buildings, you probably want to believe that it is the sea.

They say the only way to tell a good lie is for the liar to believe in the lie himself/herself. There’s also a saying that if you kept repeating the same lie over and over again, it becomes the truth. No lie detector in the world can recognize the lie which is your truth.

There are multiple universes, each with a different reality, and we’re always so thrilled to imagine what these universes look like. Our narcissistic selves can’t help but imagine what our other universes’ parodies of us are like. And yet all these universes we imagine look all too familiar. What about the exact opposite of our world? The very obvious tweak – a simple flip.

Who are we to say that the sky is not the sea? Who are we to say that we cannot swim in the sky or fly in the sea? I used to dream of boats and big ships sailing the skies like it’s the norm. It always left me feeling lost but fulfilled. It makes me think that for some time, I belonged somewhere else. I lived in a place where everything was flipped. It was magical and it’s my favorite fantasy.


How do we know what we know?

I took this picture yesterday morning before 6AM. I was having breakfast with a co-worker. There are plenty of cats in the city and before this cat has gotten my attention, other cats have been stealing food from other people sitting near us. This cat walked towards the front door and stopped there. The cat didn’t walk in or anything, just stayed there as if thinking about his/her order. I laughed, took my phone out, and took a picture. Curious, my co-worker looked and shook his head. I asked, “If you were to give a deeper meaning to this sight, what would it be?” He said, “Boundaries”.

The cat knew boundaries, indeed. But it made me wonder, how does the cat know this? Why don’t the other cats know this? Maybe the cat doesn’t know boundaries at all and perhaps, the cat has his/her own reasons for not walking in. Then my perspective switched to humans and the rules we follow and more specifically, what we refer to as “common sense”. Where does common sense come from? Why do we “just” know what we know?

I asked, “If you were to give a deeper meaning to this sight, what would it be?” He said, “Boundaries”.

I read some pretty interesting books related to quantum mechanics. Some of the lines that really stick to me is what Michio Kaku, a theoretical physicist, said about common sense. “Common sense has no place in Quantum Mechanics.” And if I’m any good at remembering the words I read, I recall him saying that we are often trapped in common sense. Ironically, it made perfect sense to me. Complex thoughts occupy my mind every day and I find it hard to explain such thoughts. After reading my thoughts through these books, written and thought by someone else, everything became clear. It’s as if someone said what I’ve always wanted to say and freed me from a dungeon of insanity. Of course, I am sure we’re not the only ones who share the same views on common sense and that gives me relief.

“Common sense has no place in Quantum Mechanics.” – Michio Kaku

How do we “just” know what we know? For me, common sense is built based on a collection of experiences and observations. We don’t have to touch fire to know that it will burn us. We know that fire will burn us because we’ve seen it burn other things or we’ve been taught since we were very young by people who have observed fire burn things. One part of me tries to be all scientific and say that as species who desperately want to survive, we developed a way to detect danger through evolution. Another part of me demands more details. Does that mean that initially, man does not consider anything to be dangerous? Does that mean that humans and other species had to die many times before realizing what would hurt or kill them? Does evolution have some sort of list of dangers that updates for every death and sacrifice? When we’re wiped out of the planet and we start over somehow, all those information are erased, right? So we die all over again.

Another part of me tries to interrupt the heated debate and failed. She said, “No, initially we already perceive some dangers. The list expands as we experience new things.” A sarcastic part of me cuts her off, “Initially? Like what, intelligent design?” The hows turn into whys. Why do we know these things? Why do things work out this way? And why do we somehow agree on the same rules of living? If I would be brave enough to share the wildest thoughts I had on random hours of my daydreams without the fear of looking like a conspiracy theorist or a mad one, I would proudly shout over and over again that reality is a drug. A drug that gives us the delusion of common sense and a familiar world. Reality is a fraud, a fucking lie, and there’s no way out of it. There’s no way to rehabilitate.

I may go as far as saying that each one of us is a computer. We are all connected to a main server called the universe. And just like a computer, we sync for updates or patches made or initiated by the server. We sleep and wake up with new abilities, memories, and strange things that we’ll otherwise classify as “not normal” if we remember how things were the day before. Perhaps, the reason why we feel so out of sync with the world when we haven’t slept for days is because we’re missing some patches or changes in our system that haven’t been applied unless we restart (sleep). Maybe when the configuration is done, we normally wake up feeling refreshed and when we wake up abruptly before the configuration has finished, we feel groggy and out of sync.

But never mind that, that’s just my brain talking.

How do we know what we know?

The Order of Disorder

If we are in a computer simulation, a video game more so, I imagine having one base reality for each person. Each base reality then branches off to multiple worlds or universes. In all my realities, I’m the hero or the main character and every one else are non-playing characters (NPC). In all your realities, you are the hero and everyone else including me are NPCs. This means that whatever you do, whatever your values or morals, you will always be the good one because everything from your perspective is all that matters.

Repeat this process to every other person in the world and you get the answer to the question “Why is there so much disorder in the world?” Think about all the hunger, the huge gap between the poor and the wealthy, the terrorist attacks, and all that’s ugly in the world. They are all rooted from person(s) who genuinely believe that they deserve a piece of the world or just about everything. From their perspective, they are the hero and everyone else are insignificant. For them, there are villains, allies or members of their party, and civilians (NPCs). For them, civilians are the so-called “non-playing characters” and they don’t serve a purpose on the planet. The world is a battle field where only the heroes and the villains exist.

Imagine how easy it would be if we all agreed on what is good and what is evil. But that’s one of the many things we can only hope for. Such peace and order do not play by the rules of the universe. For every fallen villain, a new one rises, stronger than its predecessors. And once all villains are erased, the universe will surely make its way to create chaos and disorder – calamities, famine, ice age, and all sort of collisions that result to extinction. Imagine the billions of years of hard work to get to where we are and once we finally get close to having order, we are wiped off the face of the planet just to start all over again. The only order that the universe follows is disorder. The magic word is “entropy”.

The Order of Disorder