I never finish anything I do. I wanted to change that but couldn’t. I never say goodbye, I disappear. There’s something about giving closure to things and people that I just find very hard to do. Maybe I’m afraid of the emotion that comes with it. After all I’ve been through, I just couldn’t afford any more surge of emotions. And even if I try, I don’t know how else to respond to them but with despair and anger. Maybe I simply don’t want to make a decision because I know that every move I make opens up several paths to different destinations and I simply do not want to make another choice especially if it leads to the end. My mind is very tired. I don’t know how to make it stop thinking.
I played a lot of video games and I liked the adventure ones that has long story lines but I never finish them on purpose. If I had a hint that I’m about to reach the final boss or the final quest, I stop playing. There was a time when I accidentally finished a game because I didn’t know I was already up to the final boss. The game ended and I cried. I felt helpless thinking that I had no choice. Now all the characters are gone. I wanted them to exist for as long as I live but they are gone. I thought the same for people. I thought that if I just leave, they will stay the same way as when I left them.
A part of me wants to move on, sometimes she takes over. Another part of me wants to burn the bridges, most of the time she takes over. I find myself on the same ground, somewhere at the center, all bridges leading to me are burning. For a moment, I find peace. I’m unreachable. No one can touch me. I can be alone forever. But do I really want to be alone? I don’t know. It gets lonely sometimes. I like being alone but I crave for another warm body every now and then. This is just the way people are programmed and I’ve come to terms with the fact that there is no way to beat the developer when you are the machine.
People compare my disappearances to bubbles. They say I’m untraceable because I change my number, delete my social media accounts, and move to a different office or city. It doesn’t matter who you are to me, I will disappear anyway. When all I need is a break, I will go back but if you caused me too much pain and I know nothing can be fixed, you’ll never hear from me again. It all boils down to the choice I make and I make no regrets. I taught myself a long time ago to never regret anything, to disappear only when you’ve become detached, and to never take people for granted as you stay.
I want to immortalize ideas and people. If the world will end, I want it to end while I’m asleep. I don’t want to remember that any of these have ever happened.