Silent Madness

I’m mad. Mad at the world. To be more specific – mad at people and how fucking mean they are to each other especially to those who live a quiet and peaceful life. I’ve been bullied my whole life and I know bullying when I see it. At first, I was frustrated of being told to speak up when I already am. There is nothing more frustrating that it waters your eyes than the world telling you to do something that you know you’re already doing. It’s as if nothing you do could ever be enough. It’s as if you’re broken and there’s nothing you do to fix yourself fixes you.

I stand by my beliefs. I am not broken. I am person who happen to have a different personality than the crowd that surrounds me. I am different and I know nothing is wrong about that. I am quiet and I enjoy being alone most of the time. There is nothing wrong about that. I never hurt anyone. What I know for sure is wrong is telling someone that there is something wrong about them just because he or she is different.

Being turned into something I’m not. Being pressured to fit into some type of personality that one boss prefers. Being treated as if I wanted to fit in but can’t when I would really rather be alone. It’s a nightmare. I do my job really well and I speak up when necessary. I joke with co-workers when I’m not too busy. I hang out with them after work occasionally. Somehow none of that is enough. It’s as if it’s a sin to have your own life outside of that circle or not fool around when you should really be working.

People have called me many things. Loner, anti-social, weird. I’ve heard it all before. Recently, I received a feedback from some of my colleagues that I lack communication skills and that I should talk more during meetings. First off, none of these people knew what the words they say mean and yet they have no problem writing it down on your annual review. All of the feedbacks I receive contain “excellent work”, “quality work”, “accurate” and it makes me wonder how one person can provide excellent and accurate work without communication skills. How do you raise issues or clarify something without talking or reaching out? I am confused about what communication skills they meant. More so, I am enraged by how easily they blurt out words that they do not fully understand. Words are weapons and I am very careful releasing them.

People depress me. Sure, not all people but this is one of those days when I feel judged and betrayed for being me. I feel angry but also empty, like nothing makes sense anymore. The more they pressure me to speak when I already am, the more I want to keep quiet. Nothing I say changes anything. No one listens and if they do, they judge or spread gossip about it. Or they simply ignore whatever you say because they are already fixated on their own ideas on how everything should be. Nothing matters anymore.

I still look forward to the day that they all realize that they are very wrong. I still have hope that one day, I will find myself in a place where I belong.

Silent Madness