Different And Alone

Hold on to your loneliness. Please hold on to that feeling. I know you feel different and alone. I know you see that everything around you is false and you can’t connect to anyone right now. I know you feel detached from it all. I’m not telling you to hold on with hope that the day will come when you will meet someone who understands you. That person may not happen to you at all. And I’m not the one who will break your heart by giving you false hopes. However, I can assure you one thing – there’s a place. A place you can look forward to. A place where you can feel safe and warm. A place that cuddles your solitude. A place where you belong.

You want to know what’s so good about this place? You’re the one making it. Whenever you look around and see people with their families, I want you to consider that “That may not be for me.” This is not to deprive you of the joy of having a family. I just want you to stop thinking about it. Every time you look at those people, I want you to stop thinking “That’s the standard of happiness. That’s what we all should do or have.” I want you to keep dreaming about the future but dream about it as a whole. I want you to stress about the future of the universe as a whole. I want you to not waste that beautiful mind of yours conforming to what your corrupted mind tells you. I want you to realize that this is not you talking to you but the collective opinion of everyone else that came before you.

Before you go to sleep, I want you to look forward to the next day. In the morning, you will have scrambled eggs for breakfast, maybe some bacon, coffee, or anything you like. You will shower and bathe with the scent of the soap you chose. You will listen to a podcast or a song you really like on your way to the office. You will take breaks with tea, biscuits, or anything you prefer. And if you don’t like your job, you will find a new one. You will go home, eat a great dinner, and read. You will spend time working on your personal projects or other interests. You will lie in bed, maybe bring out some scented candles, stare at the ceiling, and think. You will fall asleep and do it over.

What is it that we find so bad about repetition? Our own dislike of it is what’s making us miserable. We crave for something big and new all the time that we fail to notice the small details that change in every second. Have you ever stared at your tea and admire its color? Have you ever looked at other people’s writing and yours, and smiled? Have you ever loved your blanket so much as if it was another person? The way I see, you’re already happy and society keeps telling you that you’re not. No, you don’t want a celebrity status, someone else wants that. No, you don’t want a child and that’s totally fine. No, you don’t want a big house with twenty rooms, you just want your bed and your blanket.

There’s nothing wrong with you and I want you to know that. You are already happy as you are and who’s to say that your goal should be “to be happy” in the first place? That may just be the idea of many but you could be different. And in that difference, most often, you will be alone. That’s okay, too. I don’t want you to wait for the time that the world would recognize, appreciate, and accept you. I want you to think for yourself and re-assess your own thoughts if they are your own.

Now that I’ve told you that things I want you to do, I want you to ignore them and listen to your own mind’s advice.

Different And Alone

5PM: A Lonely Life of Purpose

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This is what 5PM looks like from the balcony just outside my bedroom. It’s a lot brighter in person. Most days it seems like a norm. I go to work and I go to the balcony just to water the plants. I’m planting lavender, mint, and tomato. The tomato plant stands tall but the leaves keep drying up. This view looks even better at night when the sun doesn’t hurt my eyes and the city lights make everything look like a pixelated dream.

Times like this occur at least once every two weeks. Once every two weeks, I look at the buildings from my bedroom window. This is where I live. This is where I sleep. And when I step outside into the balcony, I see the sky. In the morning, it’s as blue as the ocean. Before night, it’s a cozy mix of purple and orange. I love those colors. I rarely see the sunset because of my work schedule but there was a time when I was lucky enough to see the sun so red. Some people would love to have a life like this.

Every once in a while, I take time to appreciate what I have. I am aware of my tendency to neglect things that I already have but not because I’m not grateful to have them. I’m just so focused on the future. The future I want to make for myself. The vision itself gives me the feeling that I belong somewhere else and I shouldn’t be attached to anything I find here. It’s a lonely life of purpose but it’s something I feel that I have to do.

5PM: A Lonely Life of Purpose