Despite all the chaos in your life, have you ever felt like you have an unknown and yet very important purpose? You have this drive that seems to destroy anything and anyone that attempts to stop you. Situations that were supposed to make you cave. A life that could paralyze most people for years. A past that others find difficult to recover from. All of it seem so easy. All your decisions seem justified. Everything seems to fall into place. Anything seems possible.
Have you ever thought that maybe you’re the main character or the hero of this game? That everything is supposed to work out for you. That everyone else will die only once while you get extra lives. Have you ever felt so invincible, as if no one could ever harm you? But then you thought that’s very naive. So you live life carefully. You tame down the insanity. You accomplish great things while being aware that it’s not half as great as you could have done if you just followed your instincts.
Doubt is a friend. It keeps your feet on the ground. It tames your enthusiasm to avoid reckless decisions and great disappointment. There are days when you wonder if all of these are true. Should you trust that the sky is opening up for you? Should you fly into the clouds or should you anticipate a storm? I anticipated a storm and I turned out to be right. But instead of being sad about the storm, I looked out the window and adored how the buildings disappeared into a white canvas. I thought to myself, “This canvas is for me and now I can paint it however I want.”
I asked myself, “When I look outside my window once again, what do I want to see?”
I’ve been spending some time looking for new units to live in. My current rent contract is about to expire in a few months and I’m considering moving to a place that’s five minutes away from work. That means saying goodbye to the view that I love. Every time I think about the day that I will move out, I look around the unit and think, “how can I ever live you?” Then I think about the first day I moved in here. It was a nice unit but it was foreign to me. Everything smelled new and it didn’t feel like home. It took me weeks before I can finally sleep. I must admit that I have developed a bit of an attachment and familiarity to this place. It was my home for a few months and I’m afraid that if I stay longer, it may hold a greater value to me and that’s something I cannot afford.
Lately, I feel like I cannot waste any more time even in transportation. I’m never one who likes games that has time limits but I feel chased through most of my life. I’m on the move. I’m always on the move. Even when I’m sleeping or procrastinating, I’m always one step ahead of what’s about to happen. I do not think that I’m better than my peers because such comparisons don’t make sense. I’m on a different race, a different timeline, and the destination is not yet clear but still, I move. It’s something that I feel is wired to me. I have this thirst for something but have no clue what it is and I’m afraid I’m gonna spend most of my life looking for it.
To most people, what I do is torture. Most of the people I know would never dream of living alone or leaving a familiar home. But what I’ve learned in my years of existence is that everything changes and the people who are the fastest to adapt to different environments and changes are the ones who survive. I’ve been told plenty of times that I’m quick to learn new things and that I’m wise beyond my years. Somehow I managed to be aware of things that matter without making a conscious effort. I see and remember every small detail that most people think is useless and simply ignore. I connect the dots and form a prediction. I don’t even see it as a prediction. To me, it’s common sense, what’s about to happen is what’s supposed to happen. It’s as if I lived in the future, thrown back into the past, and now I’m chasing towards my home – the future.
Maybe I move, leave, and disconnect too often to strengthen myself or prepare myself for whatever I sense is about to happen. I expose myself to difficult decisions to train myself to make an impossible decision that I may be presented with in the future. I do not deprive myself of emotions. I allow myself to feel sad when I have to leave the place I used to call home or the people I spent my every day with. I make peace with the fact that I may never see them again and they will all just be a part of my memory. But I also acknowledge the fact that holding on to things I cannot keep will only hurt me. I remind myself to be aware that emotions and feelings are just that – emotions and feelings. I remind myself that every person I meet starts out as a stranger and as life goes on, no matter how strong the bond we’ve established, we can go back to being strangers.
Life goes on.