I never finish anything I do. I wanted to change that but couldn’t. I never say goodbye, I disappear. There’s something about giving closure to things and people that I just find very hard to do. Maybe I’m afraid of the emotion that comes with it. After all I’ve been through, I just couldn’t afford any more surge of emotions. And even if I try, I don’t know how else to respond to them but with despair and anger. Maybe I simply don’t want to make a decision because I know that every move I make opens up several paths to different destinations and I simply do not want to make another choice especially if it leads to the end. My mind is very tired. I don’t know how to make it stop thinking.
I played a lot of video games and I liked the adventure ones that has long story lines but I never finish them on purpose. If I had a hint that I’m about to reach the final boss or the final quest, I stop playing. There was a time when I accidentally finished a game because I didn’t know I was already up to the final boss. The game ended and I cried. I felt helpless thinking that I had no choice. Now all the characters are gone. I wanted them to exist for as long as I live but they are gone. I thought the same for people. I thought that if I just leave, they will stay the same way as when I left them.
A part of me wants to move on, sometimes she takes over. Another part of me wants to burn the bridges, most of the time she takes over. I find myself on the same ground, somewhere at the center, all bridges leading to me are burning. For a moment, I find peace. I’m unreachable. No one can touch me. I can be alone forever. But do I really want to be alone? I don’t know. It gets lonely sometimes. I like being alone but I crave for another warm body every now and then. This is just the way people are programmed and I’ve come to terms with the fact that there is no way to beat the developer when you are the machine.
People compare my disappearances to bubbles. They say I’m untraceable because I change my number, delete my social media accounts, and move to a different office or city. It doesn’t matter who you are to me, I will disappear anyway. When all I need is a break, I will go back but if you caused me too much pain and I know nothing can be fixed, you’ll never hear from me again. It all boils down to the choice I make and I make no regrets. I taught myself a long time ago to never regret anything, to disappear only when you’ve become detached, and to never take people for granted as you stay.
I want to immortalize ideas and people. If the world will end, I want it to end while I’m asleep. I don’t want to remember that any of these have ever happened.
I’ve been spending some time looking for new units to live in. My current rent contract is about to expire in a few months and I’m considering moving to a place that’s five minutes away from work. That means saying goodbye to the view that I love. Every time I think about the day that I will move out, I look around the unit and think, “how can I ever live you?” Then I think about the first day I moved in here. It was a nice unit but it was foreign to me. Everything smelled new and it didn’t feel like home. It took me weeks before I can finally sleep. I must admit that I have developed a bit of an attachment and familiarity to this place. It was my home for a few months and I’m afraid that if I stay longer, it may hold a greater value to me and that’s something I cannot afford.
Lately, I feel like I cannot waste any more time even in transportation. I’m never one who likes games that has time limits but I feel chased through most of my life. I’m on the move. I’m always on the move. Even when I’m sleeping or procrastinating, I’m always one step ahead of what’s about to happen. I do not think that I’m better than my peers because such comparisons don’t make sense. I’m on a different race, a different timeline, and the destination is not yet clear but still, I move. It’s something that I feel is wired to me. I have this thirst for something but have no clue what it is and I’m afraid I’m gonna spend most of my life looking for it.
To most people, what I do is torture. Most of the people I know would never dream of living alone or leaving a familiar home. But what I’ve learned in my years of existence is that everything changes and the people who are the fastest to adapt to different environments and changes are the ones who survive. I’ve been told plenty of times that I’m quick to learn new things and that I’m wise beyond my years. Somehow I managed to be aware of things that matter without making a conscious effort. I see and remember every small detail that most people think is useless and simply ignore. I connect the dots and form a prediction. I don’t even see it as a prediction. To me, it’s common sense, what’s about to happen is what’s supposed to happen. It’s as if I lived in the future, thrown back into the past, and now I’m chasing towards my home – the future.
Maybe I move, leave, and disconnect too often to strengthen myself or prepare myself for whatever I sense is about to happen. I expose myself to difficult decisions to train myself to make an impossible decision that I may be presented with in the future. I do not deprive myself of emotions. I allow myself to feel sad when I have to leave the place I used to call home or the people I spent my every day with. I make peace with the fact that I may never see them again and they will all just be a part of my memory. But I also acknowledge the fact that holding on to things I cannot keep will only hurt me. I remind myself to be aware that emotions and feelings are just that – emotions and feelings. I remind myself that every person I meet starts out as a stranger and as life goes on, no matter how strong the bond we’ve established, we can go back to being strangers.
Life goes on.