Purpose


Despite all the chaos in your life, have you ever felt like you have an unknown and yet very important purpose? You have this drive that seems to destroy anything and anyone that attempts to stop you. Situations that were supposed to make you cave. A life that could paralyze most people for years. A past that others find difficult to recover from. All of it seem so easy. All your decisions seem justified. Everything seems to fall into place. Anything seems possible.

Have you ever thought that maybe you’re the main character or the hero of this game? That everything is supposed to work out for you. That everyone else will die only once while you get extra lives. Have you ever felt so invincible, as if no one could ever harm you? But then you thought that’s very naive. So you live life carefully. You tame down the insanity. You accomplish great things while being aware that it’s not half as great as you could have done if you just followed your instincts.

Doubt is a friend. It keeps your feet on the ground. It tames your enthusiasm to avoid reckless decisions and great disappointment. There are days when you wonder if all of these are true. Should you trust that the sky is opening up for you? Should you fly into the clouds or should you anticipate a storm? I anticipated a storm and I turned out to be right. But instead of being sad about the storm, I looked out the window and adored how the buildings disappeared into a white canvas. I thought to myself, “This canvas is for me and now I can paint it however I want.”

I asked myself, “When I look outside my window once again, what do I want to see?”

Purpose

5PM: A Lonely Life of Purpose

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This is what 5PM looks like from the balcony just outside my bedroom. It’s a lot brighter in person. Most days it seems like a norm. I go to work and I go to the balcony just to water the plants. I’m planting lavender, mint, and tomato. The tomato plant stands tall but the leaves keep drying up. This view looks even better at night when the sun doesn’t hurt my eyes and the city lights make everything look like a pixelated dream.

Times like this occur at least once every two weeks. Once every two weeks, I look at the buildings from my bedroom window. This is where I live. This is where I sleep. And when I step outside into the balcony, I see the sky. In the morning, it’s as blue as the ocean. Before night, it’s a cozy mix of purple and orange. I love those colors. I rarely see the sunset because of my work schedule but there was a time when I was lucky enough to see the sun so red. Some people would love to have a life like this.

Every once in a while, I take time to appreciate what I have. I am aware of my tendency to neglect things that I already have but not because I’m not grateful to have them. I’m just so focused on the future. The future I want to make for myself. The vision itself gives me the feeling that I belong somewhere else and I shouldn’t be attached to anything I find here. It’s a lonely life of purpose but it’s something I feel that I have to do.

5PM: A Lonely Life of Purpose