Different And Alone

Hold on to your loneliness. Please hold on to that feeling. I know you feel different and alone. I know you see that everything around you is false and you can’t connect to anyone right now. I know you feel detached from it all. I’m not telling you to hold on with hope that the day will come when you will meet someone who understands you. That person may not happen to you at all. And I’m not the one who will break your heart by giving you false hopes. However, I can assure you one thing – there’s a place. A place you can look forward to. A place where you can feel safe and warm. A place that cuddles your solitude. A place where you belong.

You want to know what’s so good about this place? You’re the one making it. Whenever you look around and see people with their families, I want you to consider that “That may not be for me.” This is not to deprive you of the joy of having a family. I just want you to stop thinking about it. Every time you look at those people, I want you to stop thinking “That’s the standard of happiness. That’s what we all should do or have.” I want you to keep dreaming about the future but dream about it as a whole. I want you to stress about the future of the universe as a whole. I want you to not waste that beautiful mind of yours conforming to what your corrupted mind tells you. I want you to realize that this is not you talking to you but the collective opinion of everyone else that came before you.

Before you go to sleep, I want you to look forward to the next day. In the morning, you will have scrambled eggs for breakfast, maybe some bacon, coffee, or anything you like. You will shower and bathe with the scent of the soap you chose. You will listen to a podcast or a song you really like on your way to the office. You will take breaks with tea, biscuits, or anything you prefer. And if you don’t like your job, you will find a new one. You will go home, eat a great dinner, and read. You will spend time working on your personal projects or other interests. You will lie in bed, maybe bring out some scented candles, stare at the ceiling, and think. You will fall asleep and do it over.

What is it that we find so bad about repetition? Our own dislike of it is what’s making us miserable. We crave for something big and new all the time that we fail to notice the small details that change in every second. Have you ever stared at your tea and admire its color? Have you ever looked at other people’s writing and yours, and smiled? Have you ever loved your blanket so much as if it was another person? The way I see, you’re already happy and society keeps telling you that you’re not. No, you don’t want a celebrity status, someone else wants that. No, you don’t want a child and that’s totally fine. No, you don’t want a big house with twenty rooms, you just want your bed and your blanket.

There’s nothing wrong with you and I want you to know that. You are already happy as you are and who’s to say that your goal should be “to be happy” in the first place? That may just be the idea of many but you could be different. And in that difference, most often, you will be alone. That’s okay, too. I don’t want you to wait for the time that the world would recognize, appreciate, and accept you. I want you to think for yourself and re-assess your own thoughts if they are your own.

Now that I’ve told you that things I want you to do, I want you to ignore them and listen to your own mind’s advice.

Different And Alone

Detachment

Crying, I ran outside the classroom, hugged my father, and begged him to stay. I was in grade school and just like most kids, I’m not too happy being left in one place without a parent. It took me a little longer to get used to it. I remember that at some point, I would stay in my seat, look out the window, see my father walking away, and cry quietly. I did not run outside to chase him anymore but I remember the heavy feeling of thinking that I may never see him again. The scary feeling of being left alone.

Almost two decades later, I found myself living alone. I have not seen my parents for more than a year now. I did not text or greet them on their birthdays. I did not visit them on my own birthday and I did not allow them to visit me. They did not know exactly where I live. I moved out of the first condo unit I lived in and I’m bound to move out to a third one this year. Christmas, New Year, and every holiday, I spent alone. I did not respond to their texts, calls, and any relative who dared to “give advice” to persuade me into seeing my parents received a mouthful. After a few months, I got tired of it and ignored all the messages I received. I even blocked some of them. From my perspective, they are destroying my peace with their hypocritical suggestions.

“It was so easy for her to forget.”

That’s what my mother told my sister-in-law via text message. She admits that she did not read or remember most of the very long message my mother sent her except for that one sentence. My brother and his wife (my sister-in-law) often stays in my place with their cute little son while their house is being finished. My brother does not talk to my parents and avoids most of our relatives as well even when he visits his two other kids who schools in the city where my parents live.

It is easy to understand why I became detached to everything once you know the story but it is hard to imagine the progress towards the mentality that has become my way of life. All my childhood, I loved my father very much. I was closer to him than I was with my mother. I remember that until I was in high school, he would bring me food during lunch time. I rarely ate lunch with my classmates. He would serve my meals on a picnic table on the grass near the guardhouse and they would all say “That’s sweet.” But now he has become the man I would hate to see the most.

A few more family tragedies happened since I was a child. Things that are too much for me to bear at such a young age and it never stopped. I tried to fix it, me and my brother until we realized that some things cannot be fixed. I realized earlier before he did. I’ve always had this vision of where something would lead to. I knew that we would all drown unless we escape. I knew that fixing our family was not possible when the other members of it are too afraid to let go of the anchor that sinks our home. I felt uneasy after calling it “home” because it was not. I never had a home in my life. I had a roof over my head and I was thankful enough for that.

I do not know where it all started but the feeling persists in all my relationships and life decisions. Every time I see that something has no future and it does not satisfy me, I start planning my way out. It’s as if I have a bottle of liquid that represents my life and I only have a few drops left that I must be very careful not to spill. I became more conscious, suspicious more so, about the people around me. Who among them intend to drag me down? I looked out for signs that there’s a possibility that this person is one day going to betray or neglect me.

I always had this reaction that I did not plan or do on purpose. When I sense that someone, more specifically of the opposite sex, likes me more than they should, it brings out feelings of disgust. It happens even when I liked the person very much. The moment they begin showing feelings, my danger alarm goes off and tells me to run away really fast. Maybe it was a result of my experiences of maybe it is just the way I’m programmed. I’m not a robot. I cry, I miss people, I’m sometimes afraid of losing some of them and start thinking of ways to cope when they are gone because eventually everyone will be gone.

If I had to choose who I’d rather be with, I’d rather be with me because I’m the only one who will always choose me.

 

Detachment