I looked outside from the office where I spend most of the week from the afternoon until dawn the next day. This view has always amazed me. It’s a lot different from the linear picture I see from the balcony of my bedroom. The view from my bedroom is like a painting – static and surreal. This particular view, however, appears more like a fish eye view in a subtle way. A reality that is skewed just a little bit. I began imagining grid lines all over the image. Pixels. Maybe I will daydream again that none of this is real. Maybe I’m still hoping that I will witness the glitch and break free, out of this prison called reality.
I can never describe or measure just how heavy my chest has to carry. Not a day goes by that I did not tell myself that my mind is about to explode. In every waking moment of my life, I tried. I tried to meditate, relax, pamper, cook, read, and write. I have done everything I can to lift the weight off me. But my mind is never unoccupied and if there was ever a day that I was awake and peaceful, surely a nightmare will come to me in my sleep.
Bad dreams, worst, confusing dreams within dreams within dreams. I remember falling asleep on my bed one afternoon. I heard someone knocking and I stood up to get the door. I opened the door and saw an old friend who, disturbed and extremely sad, visited me last year. When I opened the door, he did not come in. Instead, he turned his head and laid his eyes on the hallway to his left (my right). He stayed silent and I could not help but notice the tenants right across my unit. The door was open and a couple was making out on the bed.
I woke up from that dream and again, I heard a knocking. I stood up and went for the door except this time, I looked through the peep hole. I saw my friend waiting outside. I cannot remember anything else accurately but I do remember having three dreams looped into one. I woke up in every “internal” dream thinking I was finally awake. That everything I saw was not real but everything I’m seeing now is, only to find myself waking up again and realizing how my mind played a fool out of me.
I remember the final one, though. This time I woke up and the room was very dark. I reached for the switch to turn on the lights but the light bulbs sparked a reddish orange for a few seconds and died. After that, I woke up on my bed, the same afternoon I slept. My mind was awake but I was unable to move. Again, it feels like my mind is sucking me up into another loop of dreams and I tried my hardest to fight it. I struggled getting up because no matter how hard I try to wake up, to get up, my body wasn’t moving. And then I woke up, afraid to fall asleep again.
These dreams remind me of my lost consciousness. The burden of thinking that every day is just another dream and the depression that comes from struggling to wake up and see what reality really looks like and not standing a chance against the system.